Why do I seem to be perpetually struggling with my weight? This realisation hit me one day while I was looking at a photograph of myself taken in 1998. The face that stated back at me was haggard but slim. In fact, I could even see my collarbones jutting out from my purple blouse. And yet, at that time, I had thought I was fat. I now realised that it was a psychological as well as a physical warfare for me. Ever since that year, I had put on ten more pounds. The purple blouse is still with me but it is shoved right into the back of the cupboard for it reminded me of my slimmer days.


Ever since I was small, I have been I had no neck, just tons of flesh everywhere. My grandmother called me 'Gu Sai' which mean cow dung because I looked like a blob of that. Friends called me 'Tua Pui Jen' which mean fatty Jen and that name stuck until I was in my teens. With such nicknames, it was not surprising that I had problem with my self-image.


Although, I continued to be slightly overweight throughout my teens, I was not obese or fat. So, I never bothered to go on a diet. I did not have enough self-discipline or the desire to do so. My classmate were always prettier and thinner than me. They were popular with boys while I excelled in games. Soon, I dressed like a boy, in jeans and T-shirt. These were more comfortable and I could hide all those ugly bulges. I felt safe as if by dressing that way I could divert people's attention. However, the mode of dressing attracted unwanted attention from well meaning relatives. They were afraid that i would turn out to be a tomboy. Once I heard them wispering to my parents and I cried.


My self-image improved over the year as I plant out my self-determination. I lost a lot of weight due to the everyday exercise my mom organised for me. I jogged around 30 minute everyday and eat less carbohidrate. The hell I went trought was worth it I was being the centre of attention and boyfriend were aplenty. Every one love the new me. With less fat I can do plenty of things. I start to play guitar and join a band. I have learn to accept the fact that I used to be fat and keep moving forward.



BY NUR FATINI LIDYA